Boner Contention is a hamstring-pulling, prostate-probing love letter to everything that makes hard music hard.

The band explores the collective midlife crisis of five men who refuse to accept that heavy metal peaked when they were fifteen. They proudly lick every flavour of metal, from lithium to zinc.

Fuelled by tendon-twisting riffs, back-aching beats, and the sort of dark-web muscle relaxers usually reserved for ageing racehorses, they're a vulgar display of rechargeable power, so electric they can't get through domestic airport security screening!

Elon Musk has reportedly approached them about coating his next Mars rocket in their music.

Their bodies may fall apart, but the metal never will.

Fronted by pro-am snake milker Dave Eastgate and real estate mogul Daniel Steffe, there's only one thing you need to know:

BONER CONTENTION IS THE HARDEST BAND ON THE PLANET (ARGUABLY).